Recently I heard the Lord in my heart. He said, "Either you trust me or you don't."
I decided that I do.
I hope and pray that you do, too, whomever you may be, and wherever you may be right now.
Showing posts with label just here. Show all posts
Showing posts with label just here. Show all posts
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Trust
Sorry I've been so unfaithful to this blog. My commitment to prayer hasn't wavered. But sometimes life, and all its sticky widgets, gets in the way a bit.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Bump in the Road
There's something so doable about sameness. I'm so sorry to keep making everything be about me, but I feel I need to explain about not blogging so much lately. And not keeping up on everyone else's blogs like I'd like to.
It's ever since losing my job. I don't feel depressed or worried... just different. Nothing really appears to have changed much in my life, other than the person signing my paychecks. I work the same basic days. I sit at the same workstation (for now, but that's to change). I eat lunch with the same people (except for others who are gone and I miss so much).
But at the same time everything feels eerily different. My life, at least for the short-term, is now more or less defined by what has happened. Almost like how everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing when they heard about 9/11. But it's just my own private 9/11. Every event in recent memory gets automatically (but consciously) put into pre- or post-job loss status, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about that.
Life just seems to take a lot more energy, and I'm not sure why, exactly. It's such a minor bump in the road compared to what could be. And compared to things I've dealt with in the past. I trust there will come a time when my laundry and housework are again done on a regular basis. When I don't wake up and realize I haven't watered my plants in nearly two weeks. (Some plants will forgive this, some will not.) Or blogged about anything other than myself in who knows how long!
In the meantime, I find myself very thankful for the privilege of being able to keep up a steady dialogue with the Lord through this time. He sustains me and gives me peace. He calms the little storms of frustration at learning new systems, policies and procedures. And reminds me that by no means did my future fall from His hand when my job went bye-bye.
My little bump in the road, while bringing its bit of angst, also feels like I've hit a sacred time in my life. I'm learning big new things, taking a Big Girl Pill now and then, and continuing to grow up. That's in no way a bad thing!
It's ever since losing my job. I don't feel depressed or worried... just different. Nothing really appears to have changed much in my life, other than the person signing my paychecks. I work the same basic days. I sit at the same workstation (for now, but that's to change). I eat lunch with the same people (except for others who are gone and I miss so much).
But at the same time everything feels eerily different. My life, at least for the short-term, is now more or less defined by what has happened. Almost like how everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing when they heard about 9/11. But it's just my own private 9/11. Every event in recent memory gets automatically (but consciously) put into pre- or post-job loss status, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about that.
Life just seems to take a lot more energy, and I'm not sure why, exactly. It's such a minor bump in the road compared to what could be. And compared to things I've dealt with in the past. I trust there will come a time when my laundry and housework are again done on a regular basis. When I don't wake up and realize I haven't watered my plants in nearly two weeks. (Some plants will forgive this, some will not.) Or blogged about anything other than myself in who knows how long!
In the meantime, I find myself very thankful for the privilege of being able to keep up a steady dialogue with the Lord through this time. He sustains me and gives me peace. He calms the little storms of frustration at learning new systems, policies and procedures. And reminds me that by no means did my future fall from His hand when my job went bye-bye.
My little bump in the road, while bringing its bit of angst, also feels like I've hit a sacred time in my life. I'm learning big new things, taking a Big Girl Pill now and then, and continuing to grow up. That's in no way a bad thing!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Hi Kids!
Hey, Tess and Aron! I don't really have much to say about leading you on this wild goose chase, except that I love you with all my heart! And that I'm feeling a little free and silly lately. I guess getting canned (I still love saying that!) for the first time in my life just has that effect.
So did you respond to the survey?
By the way, if you could somehow join us for church on Easter, that would be awesome. Also we'll be cooking an incredible meal later on. No strings attached, though. The rosemary leg of lamb, mint sauce, vegan garlic mashed potatoes and gravy, and ambrosia salad will all miss you.
We'll at least save the chocolate bunny heads for you, though. Otherwise, the little varmints are all ours from the neck down!
Love you forever, Ma
So did you respond to the survey?
By the way, if you could somehow join us for church on Easter, that would be awesome. Also we'll be cooking an incredible meal later on. No strings attached, though. The rosemary leg of lamb, mint sauce, vegan garlic mashed potatoes and gravy, and ambrosia salad will all miss you.
We'll at least save the chocolate bunny heads for you, though. Otherwise, the little varmints are all ours from the neck down!
Love you forever, Ma
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Down But Not Out (And Not Really That Down)
Many thanks to those who have expressed their concern about the news on my last post. I'm serious, I really am having fun, in a way. Serious about having fun. I have no idea what I'll be doing or whom I'll be working for a year from now, but in the meantime, it's an interesting ride. Knowing the Lord makes such a difference! (No duh!)
One somewhat urgent prayer request I would make is that our health insurance situation would be cleared up quickly. I'm anxiously awaiting paperwork to sign up for COBRA. Anxious because my stepdaughter Elizabeth, who is in her first year of college, has (as far as can be determined) no other insurance coverage to fall back on, and she has been so sick lately.
And remind me to tell you about the dentist!
One somewhat urgent prayer request I would make is that our health insurance situation would be cleared up quickly. I'm anxiously awaiting paperwork to sign up for COBRA. Anxious because my stepdaughter Elizabeth, who is in her first year of college, has (as far as can be determined) no other insurance coverage to fall back on, and she has been so sick lately.
And remind me to tell you about the dentist!
Friday, February 29, 2008
A Sabbath Rest
After 17 years as an employee of Emanuel Medical Center, I was let go yesterday as a cost-cutting measure. Not just me, but all the "in-house" transcriptionists. Effective immediately, Emanuel is now outsourcing all medical transcription.
It's an interesting time. I find myself genuinely excited about what the Lord has in store for me.
You can ask my Mike if this is true: Several weeks ago seemingly out of the clear blue sky I told him, "for some reason I just feel like I'm not going to be working at Emanuel much longer."
So it was kind of cool to realize firsthand that (1) yes, the Lord DOES speak to His children today, and (2) I guess I really really AM one of His children.
Forgiveness is really very freeing. I highly recommend it! If you are reading this and are harboring any unforgiveness in your heart, I say for your own sake, offload that emotion as quickly as you are able. The Lord WILL avenge, if any vengeance is called for. His Word says that is in His hand... so leave it there and rest!
I do ask for prayer for Emanuel: That those who make these kinds of decisions would always seek the Lord and trust in His ways. May they never dishonor that holy Name: God with us!
Meanwhile, I say that life can be hard, and we need to rest in Him. Count on nothing but the Lord. He is our everything, a Romans 8:28 kind of God. He is for us, so who can be against us? No one I'm going to worry about! I belong to Him... Hope you do, too!
It's an interesting time. I find myself genuinely excited about what the Lord has in store for me.
You can ask my Mike if this is true: Several weeks ago seemingly out of the clear blue sky I told him, "for some reason I just feel like I'm not going to be working at Emanuel much longer."
So it was kind of cool to realize firsthand that (1) yes, the Lord DOES speak to His children today, and (2) I guess I really really AM one of His children.
Forgiveness is really very freeing. I highly recommend it! If you are reading this and are harboring any unforgiveness in your heart, I say for your own sake, offload that emotion as quickly as you are able. The Lord WILL avenge, if any vengeance is called for. His Word says that is in His hand... so leave it there and rest!
I do ask for prayer for Emanuel: That those who make these kinds of decisions would always seek the Lord and trust in His ways. May they never dishonor that holy Name: God with us!
Meanwhile, I say that life can be hard, and we need to rest in Him. Count on nothing but the Lord. He is our everything, a Romans 8:28 kind of God. He is for us, so who can be against us? No one I'm going to worry about! I belong to Him... Hope you do, too!
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Peace of my Mind
Yesterday (Saturday) as I was getting ready for work I was thinking about the new contact lenses I was waiting for and badly needed. I'd called to order them two weeks before and they'd never taken so long. People weren't returning my calls as to why and I was starting to suspect they'd lost my order or something. I was getting more and more ticked, to be honest.
Then I started fantasizing about going in and giving them a piece of my mind. I mean just really laying it on the line, Big Girl style! Yes, I find myself thinking that way sometimes, though not as much as I used to. But this was different, because as I pictured myself doing it, I realized I could really do it! No so long ago if something like this ever got beyond the imagining stage, I'd either lose it and cry, or just sound stupid and whiny. But I realized: NO, I could really pull this off.
Then the Holy Spirit spoke up. Actually I think He'd been speaking up but I'd kind of not been listening. He said, "What are you thinking??" or words to that effect. And I realized I couldn't do it. Not because I couldn't, but because I shouldn't. I just find it ironic that now that I can pull off something like that, I can't!
My point is that it's little road signs like this that show me that I am changing... even though the change never seems big enough or fast enough, it's happening.
Like not that long ago I couldn't imagine myself getting up in front of church at the end of a service and praying with people. And now I do. "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
And can NOT do. When not doing is good.
Then I started fantasizing about going in and giving them a piece of my mind. I mean just really laying it on the line, Big Girl style! Yes, I find myself thinking that way sometimes, though not as much as I used to. But this was different, because as I pictured myself doing it, I realized I could really do it! No so long ago if something like this ever got beyond the imagining stage, I'd either lose it and cry, or just sound stupid and whiny. But I realized: NO, I could really pull this off.
Then the Holy Spirit spoke up. Actually I think He'd been speaking up but I'd kind of not been listening. He said, "What are you thinking??" or words to that effect. And I realized I couldn't do it. Not because I couldn't, but because I shouldn't. I just find it ironic that now that I can pull off something like that, I can't!
My point is that it's little road signs like this that show me that I am changing... even though the change never seems big enough or fast enough, it's happening.
Like not that long ago I couldn't imagine myself getting up in front of church at the end of a service and praying with people. And now I do. "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
And can NOT do. When not doing is good.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Bla Bla Blog!
As people always seem to say on their new blogs, "everyone else is doing it, so I am, too!" or words to that effect. Sometimes just for fun I hit the "next blog" button on my blog (with parental controls in place) just to go to random blogs, and it seems like everyone IS doing it! I'm fascinated by how smart, beautiful, funny, talented, unique, and (sometimes) "not from around here" people are.
("Not from around here" is a euphemism my friend and coworker Beverly and I put into use. Whenever we'd get a new doctor at the hospital we'd ask, "how's his [or her] dictation?" If a thick accent was involved we'd simply say, "Well, he's not from around here.")
I know God knows and loves every single person on Blogger. And beyond. (I love the line from one of my favorite movies, "Galaxy Quest": "To infinity, and beyond!") It's kind of staggering to consider.
Like prayer. The question, "How can God hear everyone's prayer at once?" used to be a real stumper for me. I can remember making the choice not to pray many times because I didn't want to "bother" God with yet one more prayer. I think that may still be an issue for some, and another example of how we limit an infinite God with our finite thinking.
Philip Yancey says, "A God unbound by our rules of time has the ability to invest in every person on earth. God has, quite literally, all the time in the world for each one of us. The psalmist exclaimed that 'a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by,' and the reverse also applies: to God, one day is like a thousand years. The common question, 'How can God listen to millions of prayers at once?' betrays an inability to think outside time. I cannot imagine a being who can hear billions of prayers in thousands of languages because I am stunted by my humanity. Trapped in time, I cannot conceive of infinity. The distance between God and humanity -- a distance that no one can grasp -- is, ironically, what allows intimacy."
I so love that. All the time in the world. For me. For you!
("Not from around here" is a euphemism my friend and coworker Beverly and I put into use. Whenever we'd get a new doctor at the hospital we'd ask, "how's his [or her] dictation?" If a thick accent was involved we'd simply say, "Well, he's not from around here.")
I know God knows and loves every single person on Blogger. And beyond. (I love the line from one of my favorite movies, "Galaxy Quest": "To infinity, and beyond!") It's kind of staggering to consider.
Like prayer. The question, "How can God hear everyone's prayer at once?" used to be a real stumper for me. I can remember making the choice not to pray many times because I didn't want to "bother" God with yet one more prayer. I think that may still be an issue for some, and another example of how we limit an infinite God with our finite thinking.
Philip Yancey says, "A God unbound by our rules of time has the ability to invest in every person on earth. God has, quite literally, all the time in the world for each one of us. The psalmist exclaimed that 'a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by,' and the reverse also applies: to God, one day is like a thousand years. The common question, 'How can God listen to millions of prayers at once?' betrays an inability to think outside time. I cannot imagine a being who can hear billions of prayers in thousands of languages because I am stunted by my humanity. Trapped in time, I cannot conceive of infinity. The distance between God and humanity -- a distance that no one can grasp -- is, ironically, what allows intimacy."
I so love that. All the time in the world. For me. For you!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Exposed II
Again from the Philip Yancey book I've been quoting:
============================
David Ford, a professor at Cambridge, asked a Catholic priest the most common problem he encountered in twenty years of hearing confession. With no hesitation the priest replied, "God." Very few of the parishioners he meets in confession behave as if God is a God of love, forgiveness, gentleness, and compassion. They see God as someone to cower before, not as someone like Jesus, worthy of our trust. Ford comments, "This is perhaps the hardest truth of any to grasp. Do we wake up every morning amazed that we are loved by God? Do we allow our day to be shaped by God's desire to relate to us?"
Reading Ford's questions, I realize that my image of God, more than anything else, determines my degree of honesty in prayer. Do I trust God with my naked self? Foolishly, I hide myself in fear that God will be displeased, though in fact the hiding may be what displeases God most. From my side, the wall seems like self-protection; from God's side it looks like lack of trust. In either case, the wall will keep us apart until I acknowledge my need and God's surpassing desire to meet it. When I finally approach God, in fear and trembling, I find not a tyrant, but a lover.
The apostle Paul prayed "that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ." I doubt Paul prayed this prayer once only; for my part, I have to pray it every day. The most important purpose of prayer may be to let our true selves be loved by God.
Okay, so the next chapter is titled "The God Who Is." Which, as I understand it, is basically the meaning of "Yahweh." I've been reading ahead, and I think I'm in way over my head. Sort of like I felt when I read (tried to) A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. Well maybe not quite that out there. But sort of. Like I can get what it's saying for a flash, then it's gone.
I'm so glad God sometimes isn't that easy to "get." It's more intriguing this way, don't you think? And I have a feeling that "smart" on this world's terms means nothing when it comes to "getting" God. (See 1 Corinthians 2:14-16) I'm so thankful that God "gets" me, even when I don't fully "get" Him. He's my everything... And I live in the hope that one day I'm going to fully appreciate what that really means!
============================
David Ford, a professor at Cambridge, asked a Catholic priest the most common problem he encountered in twenty years of hearing confession. With no hesitation the priest replied, "God." Very few of the parishioners he meets in confession behave as if God is a God of love, forgiveness, gentleness, and compassion. They see God as someone to cower before, not as someone like Jesus, worthy of our trust. Ford comments, "This is perhaps the hardest truth of any to grasp. Do we wake up every morning amazed that we are loved by God? Do we allow our day to be shaped by God's desire to relate to us?"
Reading Ford's questions, I realize that my image of God, more than anything else, determines my degree of honesty in prayer. Do I trust God with my naked self? Foolishly, I hide myself in fear that God will be displeased, though in fact the hiding may be what displeases God most. From my side, the wall seems like self-protection; from God's side it looks like lack of trust. In either case, the wall will keep us apart until I acknowledge my need and God's surpassing desire to meet it. When I finally approach God, in fear and trembling, I find not a tyrant, but a lover.
The apostle Paul prayed "that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ." I doubt Paul prayed this prayer once only; for my part, I have to pray it every day. The most important purpose of prayer may be to let our true selves be loved by God.
============================[God] does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
remembers that we are dust.
Psalm 103:10-14
Okay, so the next chapter is titled "The God Who Is." Which, as I understand it, is basically the meaning of "Yahweh." I've been reading ahead, and I think I'm in way over my head. Sort of like I felt when I read (tried to) A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. Well maybe not quite that out there. But sort of. Like I can get what it's saying for a flash, then it's gone.
I'm so glad God sometimes isn't that easy to "get." It's more intriguing this way, don't you think? And I have a feeling that "smart" on this world's terms means nothing when it comes to "getting" God. (See 1 Corinthians 2:14-16) I'm so thankful that God "gets" me, even when I don't fully "get" Him. He's my everything... And I live in the hope that one day I'm going to fully appreciate what that really means!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Exposed, Part I
Again from Philip Yancey’s book, Prayer, Does It Make Any Difference?, Part One “Keeping Company With God, Chapter 3 “Just As We Are,” section titled “Exposed.” Whew!!
I’ve been reading this particular section over and over, trying to figure out how to refine it down to something I would share on this blog, but I just couldn’t stand to take anything out, so I present it in its entirety (in two parts). I’m not sure why, exactly, but it just hits me squarely between the eyes every time I read it.
I think about my kids, who know me so, so well. And my husband, who (hopefully) knows me even better. But God knows me completely. All of me. Every hiccup. Every wart, chin hair and evil thought. And how glad or mad I am about THAT fact may define the state of my soul at any given moment.
So all of the following is an excerpt (part I).
===============================
It occurred to me one day that though I often worry about whether or not I sense the presence of God, I give little thought to whether God senses the presence of me. When I come to God in payer, do I bare the deepest, most hidden parts of myself? Only when I do so will I discover myself as I truly am, for nothing short of God’s light can reveal that. I feel stripped before that light, seeing a person far different from the image I cultivate for myself and for everyone around me.
God alone knows the selfish motives behind my every act, the vipers’ tangle of lust and ambition, the unhealed wounds that paradoxically drive me to appear whole. Prayer invites me to bring my whole life into God’s presence for cleansing and restoration. Self-exposure is never easy, but when I do it I learn that underneath the layers of grime lies a damaged work of art that God longs to repair.
“We cannot make Him visible to us, but we can make ourselves visible to Him,” said Abraham Joshua Heschel. I make the attempt with hesitation, shame, and fear, but when I do so I feel those constraints dissolving. My fear of rejection yields to God’s embrace. Somehow, in a way I can only trust and not understand, presenting to God the intimate details of my life gives God pleasure.
I think of the way mothers dote on their infants, who offer so little in return. Every sneeze, every turn of the head and dart of the eyes, every whimper and smile the mother scrutinizes as if studying for a test on infantile behavior. If a human mother responds with such absorbing love, how much more so God.
We humans represent the only species on earth with whom God can hold a conversation. Only we can articulate praise or lament. Only we can form words in response to the miracle, and also the tragedy, of life. We dare not devalue this, our unique role in the cosmos, to give words to existence, words addressed to our creator. God eagerly bends an ear toward those words.
I’ve been reading this particular section over and over, trying to figure out how to refine it down to something I would share on this blog, but I just couldn’t stand to take anything out, so I present it in its entirety (in two parts). I’m not sure why, exactly, but it just hits me squarely between the eyes every time I read it.
I think about my kids, who know me so, so well. And my husband, who (hopefully) knows me even better. But God knows me completely. All of me. Every hiccup. Every wart, chin hair and evil thought. And how glad or mad I am about THAT fact may define the state of my soul at any given moment.
So all of the following is an excerpt (part I).
===============================
It occurred to me one day that though I often worry about whether or not I sense the presence of God, I give little thought to whether God senses the presence of me. When I come to God in payer, do I bare the deepest, most hidden parts of myself? Only when I do so will I discover myself as I truly am, for nothing short of God’s light can reveal that. I feel stripped before that light, seeing a person far different from the image I cultivate for myself and for everyone around me.
God alone knows the selfish motives behind my every act, the vipers’ tangle of lust and ambition, the unhealed wounds that paradoxically drive me to appear whole. Prayer invites me to bring my whole life into God’s presence for cleansing and restoration. Self-exposure is never easy, but when I do it I learn that underneath the layers of grime lies a damaged work of art that God longs to repair.
“We cannot make Him visible to us, but we can make ourselves visible to Him,” said Abraham Joshua Heschel. I make the attempt with hesitation, shame, and fear, but when I do so I feel those constraints dissolving. My fear of rejection yields to God’s embrace. Somehow, in a way I can only trust and not understand, presenting to God the intimate details of my life gives God pleasure.
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.”
I think of the way mothers dote on their infants, who offer so little in return. Every sneeze, every turn of the head and dart of the eyes, every whimper and smile the mother scrutinizes as if studying for a test on infantile behavior. If a human mother responds with such absorbing love, how much more so God.
We humans represent the only species on earth with whom God can hold a conversation. Only we can articulate praise or lament. Only we can form words in response to the miracle, and also the tragedy, of life. We dare not devalue this, our unique role in the cosmos, to give words to existence, words addressed to our creator. God eagerly bends an ear toward those words.
End of excerpt.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Between Super Bowl and Super Tuesday
Yes, I've changed the look of my blog. I happened to go to Pastor Jon's blog for the first time, and lo and behold, he had the same template. He's had a blog longer than I have, so I decided it was time to change. I liked that template and I'm sad to see it go, but I like the new one, too.
What about that Super Bowl? We don't get cable, so I had to wrangle an invite from my sister and bro-in-law to watch the Super Bowl. They'd just purchased an HDTV. What a difference, I have to admit! The game was awesome! And folks thought the Giants didn't have a prayer!
Okay, that's my thinly disguised way to justify talking about football on a blog about prayer. I could link prayer to Super Tuesday, as well, but I'm not goin' there! Except to say I think some of our politicians would do well to consider God's "providential will." (See Sandy's blog entry about the Super Bowl... the one from today, not the "butt cake" one.) "The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes." (Proverbs 21:1)
Then I felt so challenged today by Gena's January 30 blog entry, and I urge anyone who hasn't already read it to do so.
By the way, wasn't church just so awesome yesterday? Sports and politics are just parts of our lives, but it occurs to me that what's going on with our church is so much more relevant to my life. And THAT'S exciting!
What about that Super Bowl? We don't get cable, so I had to wrangle an invite from my sister and bro-in-law to watch the Super Bowl. They'd just purchased an HDTV. What a difference, I have to admit! The game was awesome! And folks thought the Giants didn't have a prayer!
Okay, that's my thinly disguised way to justify talking about football on a blog about prayer. I could link prayer to Super Tuesday, as well, but I'm not goin' there! Except to say I think some of our politicians would do well to consider God's "providential will." (See Sandy's blog entry about the Super Bowl... the one from today, not the "butt cake" one.) "The king's heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes." (Proverbs 21:1)
Then I felt so challenged today by Gena's January 30 blog entry, and I urge anyone who hasn't already read it to do so.
By the way, wasn't church just so awesome yesterday? Sports and politics are just parts of our lives, but it occurs to me that what's going on with our church is so much more relevant to my life. And THAT'S exciting!
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